When I needed a really good moan about my hubby, Karen was my go-to girl.
"I just can't understand how a grown man can get himself into so much trouble, Kaz. The kids are a breeze compared to him at the moment. Karen? Karen! Will you stop bloody laughing! This is my life, you know!"
I heard her blow out a long puff of air. "Sorry. Sorry, Daisy. It's just ….." I could tell that she was trying to compose herself. "So was he actually caught with his tackle out in his mother's bushes?"
"No. That's why his mother wasn't around to help him explain. He was right down the street, walking back to his car when the police caught up with him. Apparently, this neighbour who called them, had been concerned about a man lurking in the bushes for a few weeks, so of course, when they saw John in the bushes at night ….. doing what he was doing....."
With that, Karen exploded into fits of laughter.
"Oh, I'm glad I've amused you. The way things are going, I'm not gonna be able to set foot out of my door ever again because of my twat of a husband, but at least you've had a good laugh out of our misfortune!"
"Sorry hun, but you've really cheered me up. I've been locked up in here with Dave for so long that I've got cabin fever. Laughs have been in short supply, I can tell you. Thank God that the self-isolation phase has finally ended today. Not that we can go far of course, but at least I can get to the shops. We ran out of wine on Wednesday!"
"Oh no! I didn't realise that things had got that bad. I'd have come on a mission of mercy and brought you a bottle, if I'd known."
"It's ok. I'm over the worst of it now. I'll be back on track by this evening."
"Is Dave fully recovered? It turned out to be just a cold, didn't it?"
"He won't have it, Daisy! He insists that he's had Covid. He's milked the living shit out of the situation. Anyway, what's the situation with John? Surely the police aren't going to press charges, are they?"
"No, thank God! It was unfortunate that the same police officer that came around here on Wednesday, was behind the desk last night when they brought John in too. It doesn't look good, does it?"
"I suppose not. I mean twice in one week does make him look like a right perv."
"Ugh! I could kill him, Kaz! It's like this pandemic has turned him into some sort of irrational maniac."
"Well perhaps he's learnt his lesson this time, eh? Perhaps he'll calm down now."
Even though I'd been on the phone for half an hour, the kids were still moaning about the selection of Easter eggs that had been presented to them.
"Does Dad actually know how old we are?" asked Cleo.
"I think it was the best he could do under the circumstances. Sorry, but I think with everything that's been going on, we left it a bit late. The best ones had all been sold."
"Don't blame Coronavirus for this, Mum. It was the same at Christmas with the advent calendars. I had to have a Barbie one, remember?"
"Christ Cleo, you're sixteen now. Does it make any difference anyway? It's all chocolate, isn't it?"
"These are all for girls!" said Marcus.
"Sexist!" snapped Cleo.
"Why don't you take the 'Little Mermaid' one Cleo, Molly take the 'Peppa Pig' one and Marcus have the 'Frozen' egg in the cup as it's a bit more ….. boyish?" Was I even allowed to say things like that to my kids these days? But I know it was a concern for Marcus, politically correct or not!
"It's not fair! It's smaller!" Marcus complained.
"Right, that's it! Give me the eggs! GIVE ME THE BLOODY EGGS!" I gathered them up in my arms. "I'll eat them myself if you're gonna complain. If you knew the trouble your father had gone to to get these …."
"Why did he take so long last night anyway? And where did you go when I had to look after these brats? You never said."
"Believe me Cleo, you don't want to know."
Molly's chin was wobbling as I headed for the door. "You're not really gonna eat them all, are you Mum?"
"It's not Easter till tomorrow. Perhaps you can have them back then, if you start showing a bit of gratitude!"
John busied himself in the garden all afternoon which suited me as I needed space to catch up with some work emails that I'd been avoiding for days. It wasn't until the kids all drifted off to their bedrooms that evening that we had to deal with each other alone. It began the way it always did when John was in the doghouse. "Cup of tea?" he asked, nice as pie.
"Thanks."
"Jammie Dodger?"
"Oh for God's sake! Don't go overboard John. I know what you're up to. It's done, ok! We can't change the past."
"I was only having a pee, Daisy. I was desperate. I'd been out longer than I intended, hadn't I? You do believe that, don't you? You don't think I'm some sort of ….. deviant, do you? It was awful Daisy, awful. They put me in a police car. A bloody police car!"
"I know."
"And another thing - who the hell reported me? That's what I'd like to know. I mean, has nobody got anything better to do at the moment that gawp out of the window, keeping their neighbours under surveillance?"
"Are you for real, John?"
"What? Oh you mean Gordon? Well, that's different. I was innocently visiting my mother, that's all."
"You were in a pensioner's bush John. You'd already been seen there several times in broad daylight, never mind in the night time."
"Not any old pensioner's bush, Daisy. But I suppose whoever saw me wasn't to know that."
"Exactly! Anyway, to answer your question, of course I don't think you're some sort of sexual deviant. Christ, I can hardly persuade you to take your Ed Sheeran t shirt off or snog me when the cat's in the room, these days. I just think you're being a complete and utter knob, John. A knob who needs to calm the fuck down, if you don't mind me saying so!"
"It's all pressure, Dais. I'm just trying to be a good father and protect us all."
"Ok, well …… stop trying so damn hard then. I'm ready for that Jammie Dodger now that I've got that out of my system by the way. If the offer's still there."
"I just can't understand how a grown man can get himself into so much trouble, Kaz. The kids are a breeze compared to him at the moment. Karen? Karen! Will you stop bloody laughing! This is my life, you know!"
I heard her blow out a long puff of air. "Sorry. Sorry, Daisy. It's just ….." I could tell that she was trying to compose herself. "So was he actually caught with his tackle out in his mother's bushes?"
"No. That's why his mother wasn't around to help him explain. He was right down the street, walking back to his car when the police caught up with him. Apparently, this neighbour who called them, had been concerned about a man lurking in the bushes for a few weeks, so of course, when they saw John in the bushes at night ….. doing what he was doing....."
With that, Karen exploded into fits of laughter.
"Oh, I'm glad I've amused you. The way things are going, I'm not gonna be able to set foot out of my door ever again because of my twat of a husband, but at least you've had a good laugh out of our misfortune!"
"Sorry hun, but you've really cheered me up. I've been locked up in here with Dave for so long that I've got cabin fever. Laughs have been in short supply, I can tell you. Thank God that the self-isolation phase has finally ended today. Not that we can go far of course, but at least I can get to the shops. We ran out of wine on Wednesday!"
"Oh no! I didn't realise that things had got that bad. I'd have come on a mission of mercy and brought you a bottle, if I'd known."
"It's ok. I'm over the worst of it now. I'll be back on track by this evening."
"Is Dave fully recovered? It turned out to be just a cold, didn't it?"
"He won't have it, Daisy! He insists that he's had Covid. He's milked the living shit out of the situation. Anyway, what's the situation with John? Surely the police aren't going to press charges, are they?"
"No, thank God! It was unfortunate that the same police officer that came around here on Wednesday, was behind the desk last night when they brought John in too. It doesn't look good, does it?"
"I suppose not. I mean twice in one week does make him look like a right perv."
"Ugh! I could kill him, Kaz! It's like this pandemic has turned him into some sort of irrational maniac."
"Well perhaps he's learnt his lesson this time, eh? Perhaps he'll calm down now."
Even though I'd been on the phone for half an hour, the kids were still moaning about the selection of Easter eggs that had been presented to them.
"Does Dad actually know how old we are?" asked Cleo.
"I think it was the best he could do under the circumstances. Sorry, but I think with everything that's been going on, we left it a bit late. The best ones had all been sold."
"Don't blame Coronavirus for this, Mum. It was the same at Christmas with the advent calendars. I had to have a Barbie one, remember?"
"Christ Cleo, you're sixteen now. Does it make any difference anyway? It's all chocolate, isn't it?"
"These are all for girls!" said Marcus.
"Sexist!" snapped Cleo.
"Why don't you take the 'Little Mermaid' one Cleo, Molly take the 'Peppa Pig' one and Marcus have the 'Frozen' egg in the cup as it's a bit more ….. boyish?" Was I even allowed to say things like that to my kids these days? But I know it was a concern for Marcus, politically correct or not!
"It's not fair! It's smaller!" Marcus complained.
"Right, that's it! Give me the eggs! GIVE ME THE BLOODY EGGS!" I gathered them up in my arms. "I'll eat them myself if you're gonna complain. If you knew the trouble your father had gone to to get these …."
"Why did he take so long last night anyway? And where did you go when I had to look after these brats? You never said."
"Believe me Cleo, you don't want to know."
Molly's chin was wobbling as I headed for the door. "You're not really gonna eat them all, are you Mum?"
"It's not Easter till tomorrow. Perhaps you can have them back then, if you start showing a bit of gratitude!"
John busied himself in the garden all afternoon which suited me as I needed space to catch up with some work emails that I'd been avoiding for days. It wasn't until the kids all drifted off to their bedrooms that evening that we had to deal with each other alone. It began the way it always did when John was in the doghouse. "Cup of tea?" he asked, nice as pie.
"Thanks."
"Jammie Dodger?"
"Oh for God's sake! Don't go overboard John. I know what you're up to. It's done, ok! We can't change the past."
"I was only having a pee, Daisy. I was desperate. I'd been out longer than I intended, hadn't I? You do believe that, don't you? You don't think I'm some sort of ….. deviant, do you? It was awful Daisy, awful. They put me in a police car. A bloody police car!"
"I know."
"And another thing - who the hell reported me? That's what I'd like to know. I mean, has nobody got anything better to do at the moment that gawp out of the window, keeping their neighbours under surveillance?"
"Are you for real, John?"
"What? Oh you mean Gordon? Well, that's different. I was innocently visiting my mother, that's all."
"You were in a pensioner's bush John. You'd already been seen there several times in broad daylight, never mind in the night time."
"Not any old pensioner's bush, Daisy. But I suppose whoever saw me wasn't to know that."
"Exactly! Anyway, to answer your question, of course I don't think you're some sort of sexual deviant. Christ, I can hardly persuade you to take your Ed Sheeran t shirt off or snog me when the cat's in the room, these days. I just think you're being a complete and utter knob, John. A knob who needs to calm the fuck down, if you don't mind me saying so!"
"It's all pressure, Dais. I'm just trying to be a good father and protect us all."
"Ok, well …… stop trying so damn hard then. I'm ready for that Jammie Dodger now that I've got that out of my system by the way. If the offer's still there."
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