So, to clarify: John was 'working from home' (ha ha) for twelve fucking weeks and he decided to rip all of the tiles off the wall in the bathroom THE WEEKEND BEFORE he had to go back to work.😤 Presumably the week ahead just wasn't going to be challenging enough as it was, given that:
- I was going to be required to put a few days in at the office and it was becoming clear that Victoria was definitely going to ramp up the pressure. Our new advertising campaign for post-lockdown skin repair products was going live on social media in the first week of July.
- John couldn't get any sense out of his boss as to how many days he'd be expected to work.
- None of the kids were back in school yet.
- Our parents are all over seventy years of age and therefore can't help with childcare.
So just for good measure, John turned the whole of the upstairs of our house into what I can only describe as a building site. And so, we lurched blindly into the week.
By the end of Monday, I was hit by the realisation of just how far John had come during lockdown. To be fair to him, he had most certainly gone on quite a journey over the course of those twelve weeks. He had gone from disinfecting the cat's paws when he came in at night, to the point where he had accompanied Cleo to a demonstration in town and visited a dentist. Why was suddenly I hit by this realisation, you may well ask. Because after one, single day at work, the old John was back with a vengeance!
I had the sneakiest of suspicions when I received a text to tell me to get the bin bags ready at the back door, the washing machine open and a Dettol bath run. His greeting to me was, "Going into that place is pretty much a DEATH SENTENCE, Daisy!" Then, he started rapidly stripping off (in the most unprovocative way possible, might I add).
"At least close the back door behind you first, John. Do you really want another brush with the law? Did you learn nothing last time?"
He flicked his socked foot out behind him, pushing the back door shut. "Hold the bin bag still, Daisy."
"So what's the problem at work?" I asked, widening the mouth of the bag as best I could.
"What's the problem? I'll tell you what's the problem. Those idiots at the office haven't grasped the concept of social distancing. They're milling about the place, making each other cups of coffee willy-nilly, coughing .... you name it. They thought it was bloody hilarious that I was wearing a mask. Bobby Cribbins loitered at my desk for a good five minutes, causing me to lean so far back in my chair that I nearly toppled backwards."
"Oh. And he didn't take the hint?"
"Did he hell? If anything, he kept edging forward. He was so close, I could smell the Doritos that he had for breakfast. AND I saw him picking his nose just before he used that VERY hand to answer the office phone."
"Ew. Rank."
"I had to go out to the hotel site this afternoon too, and that was just as bad. Sharing tools ..... everything!"
I heard an unimpressed grunt in the doorway leading from the hallway. "I wish you'd warn me if you're gonna do that," said Cleo, before retreating. By this time, John was standing in the middle of the kitchen in his socks and underpants.
"Get all that on a sixty degree wash, Daisy. I'm getting straight in the bath," he said, indicating to the bin bag containing his 'contaminated' clothes with a nod.
He dashed off, leaving me engrossed in a polite conversation with myself. "How was your day, Daisy? Did you manage to get any work done from home? Did you manage to get into the office at all?"
John's hysteria didn't abate as the week progressed and I also had to contend with the growing levels of excitement coming at me from the fuckwit twins in the office, as the project gained momentum. At one point, Olivia actually tried to facetime me at 1.30 in the morning to help her to decide on the right shade of blue for our lettering. Thankfully, I'd had the foresight to mute messages coming from her number, months ago.
WhatsApp Group:
Me: Pleeeease tell me that the schools are still opening next week Karen 🙏🙏
Karen: Last I heard! Unless Welsh Government do a U turn like in England. Struggling with kids?X
Me: Yep. Cleo does a few hours here and there. John about as useful as a dose of herpes!!
Karen: 😂😂😂
Karen: Sorry babe. Don't mean to laugh. Hang in there xx
Vyshali: I'd offer to help out but I have the same problem. My kids haven't seen their father for months!!😤
Karen: The twat!X
Sarah: Bastard!X
Me: God! Is that bimbo of a girlfriend of his still sheilding cos of her asthma pump?X
Vyshali:Yep 😤😤😖
Karen: Any word from that knobhead ex of yours Sarah?
Sarah: He's lying low. Think it's because he's run off with my electric whisk and a bottle of Apricot Schnapps that I had left over from Xmas!
Me: Really ???
Sarah: Probably thinks that I won't notice xx
Vyshali: Arsehole!X
Karen: Dickhead!X
Me: Knob!X
Me: How's work going for Dave Kaz?
Karen: He's driving me mad. He seems to expect me to go into fifties housewife mode as I'm working from home most of the time. He'd have me warming his slippers if I was willing😒
Sarah: But you're WORKING from home!!
Me: Why is it us women who have to keep everything together!😤
Vyshali: It's Saturday girls. Have some 🍷🍷🍷
Karen: It's Friday Vysh😂
Vyshali: Friday???
Vyshali: Don't believe it! I've done it again!!😳
Me: 😂😂😂 You've cheered me up! X😘
By the end of Monday, I was hit by the realisation of just how far John had come during lockdown. To be fair to him, he had most certainly gone on quite a journey over the course of those twelve weeks. He had gone from disinfecting the cat's paws when he came in at night, to the point where he had accompanied Cleo to a demonstration in town and visited a dentist. Why was suddenly I hit by this realisation, you may well ask. Because after one, single day at work, the old John was back with a vengeance!
I had the sneakiest of suspicions when I received a text to tell me to get the bin bags ready at the back door, the washing machine open and a Dettol bath run. His greeting to me was, "Going into that place is pretty much a DEATH SENTENCE, Daisy!" Then, he started rapidly stripping off (in the most unprovocative way possible, might I add).
"At least close the back door behind you first, John. Do you really want another brush with the law? Did you learn nothing last time?"
He flicked his socked foot out behind him, pushing the back door shut. "Hold the bin bag still, Daisy."
"So what's the problem at work?" I asked, widening the mouth of the bag as best I could.
"What's the problem? I'll tell you what's the problem. Those idiots at the office haven't grasped the concept of social distancing. They're milling about the place, making each other cups of coffee willy-nilly, coughing .... you name it. They thought it was bloody hilarious that I was wearing a mask. Bobby Cribbins loitered at my desk for a good five minutes, causing me to lean so far back in my chair that I nearly toppled backwards."
"Oh. And he didn't take the hint?"
"Did he hell? If anything, he kept edging forward. He was so close, I could smell the Doritos that he had for breakfast. AND I saw him picking his nose just before he used that VERY hand to answer the office phone."
"Ew. Rank."
"I had to go out to the hotel site this afternoon too, and that was just as bad. Sharing tools ..... everything!"
I heard an unimpressed grunt in the doorway leading from the hallway. "I wish you'd warn me if you're gonna do that," said Cleo, before retreating. By this time, John was standing in the middle of the kitchen in his socks and underpants.
"Get all that on a sixty degree wash, Daisy. I'm getting straight in the bath," he said, indicating to the bin bag containing his 'contaminated' clothes with a nod.
He dashed off, leaving me engrossed in a polite conversation with myself. "How was your day, Daisy? Did you manage to get any work done from home? Did you manage to get into the office at all?"
John's hysteria didn't abate as the week progressed and I also had to contend with the growing levels of excitement coming at me from the fuckwit twins in the office, as the project gained momentum. At one point, Olivia actually tried to facetime me at 1.30 in the morning to help her to decide on the right shade of blue for our lettering. Thankfully, I'd had the foresight to mute messages coming from her number, months ago.
WhatsApp Group:
Me: Pleeeease tell me that the schools are still opening next week Karen 🙏🙏
Karen: Last I heard! Unless Welsh Government do a U turn like in England. Struggling with kids?X
Me: Yep. Cleo does a few hours here and there. John about as useful as a dose of herpes!!
Karen: 😂😂😂
Karen: Sorry babe. Don't mean to laugh. Hang in there xx
Vyshali: I'd offer to help out but I have the same problem. My kids haven't seen their father for months!!😤
Karen: The twat!X
Sarah: Bastard!X
Me: God! Is that bimbo of a girlfriend of his still sheilding cos of her asthma pump?X
Vyshali:Yep 😤😤😖
Karen: Any word from that knobhead ex of yours Sarah?
Sarah: He's lying low. Think it's because he's run off with my electric whisk and a bottle of Apricot Schnapps that I had left over from Xmas!
Me: Really ???
Sarah: Probably thinks that I won't notice xx
Vyshali: Arsehole!X
Karen: Dickhead!X
Me: Knob!X
Me: How's work going for Dave Kaz?
Karen: He's driving me mad. He seems to expect me to go into fifties housewife mode as I'm working from home most of the time. He'd have me warming his slippers if I was willing😒
Sarah: But you're WORKING from home!!
Me: Why is it us women who have to keep everything together!😤
Vyshali: It's Saturday girls. Have some 🍷🍷🍷
Karen: It's Friday Vysh😂
Vyshali: Friday???
Vyshali: Don't believe it! I've done it again!!😳
Me: 😂😂😂 You've cheered me up! X😘
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