Day 4 - A Load of Old Pants

As I fumbled with my makeup bag in front of the bathroom mirror for the first time since Monday, I heard my mother's voice - You've let yourself go recently!  I couldn't deny that the speed at which I'd let myself deteriorate was pretty startling. I had gone from refusing to venture to the corner shop without full makeup to some sort of filthy skank sporting yesterday's chickpea curry in my hair ….. all in 4 days!

My video conference call was scheduled for 9am so the plan of action was to get Molly and Marcus in front of Joe Wicks.  That would give me 20 minutes clear to talk about whatever pointless shite was on Olivia's mind.  I was dressed in my office clothes by 8.30, hair brushed and straightened by 8.40 and make up done by 8.45.
       I positioned my laptop screen at an angle that gave away as few of my kitchen's secrets as possible and dashed about, stacking dirty cereal bowls and coffee cups into 'offscreen' corners.
      "I'm just going to need half an hour's peace to work," I told the twins. "Be as quiet as you can please. I'm going to be in a meeting and Daddy and Cleo are still asleep!"    
     "Can I have another bowl of Cocoa Pops?" Molly whined, as I fired up my laptop. 
     Ffs!
     "Can't it wait until after your workout?"
     "I'm starving!"
     With one eye on the screen and another on what I was doing, I poured some of our precious semi-skimmed onto the cereal.  To cut a long story short:
    

• My focus wasn't fully on what I was doing
•  The cat got involved by wandering under my feet at a crucial point in the proceedings (I had forgotten to feed him, to be fair to the cat)
•  A full bowl of Cocoa Pops ended up down the front of my beige linen trousers at 8.58 am

The kids took one look at me, hands outstretched and mouth open in disbelief, and scarpered.

     At 9am I was sitting at the kitchen table, hair and makeup tidy, crisp pink shirt on and only a pair of knickers down below!  Not even very nice ones at that!

     Antonio was joining us from his immaculate flat, smart but casually dressed. I planned on keeping my eyes open for a peek at his super-ripped boyfriend who may wander into the background at any given moment (hopefully in a small towel or tight pair of underpants).  

      Olivia joined us and the first thing that I noticed was that she was in the office.

Me: Why are you in the office, Olivia?

Olivia: Uh ….. it's where I work!

Me: You're not supposed to actually be in work though are you Olivia? You do know that there's a global crisis going on, don't you?  A bloody pandemic!

Olivia: Yeah.  It's really annoying isn't it? I was at a party last night and hardly anyone showed up!

Me: Oh my God!

Olivia: I know!

Antonio:Well all the more reason to launch our new illuminating serum as soon as possible.

Really???

Olivia: That's exactly what I thought! It's an amaaazing product. It will so cheer everyone up!  You know …. if we can do our bit to make a tiny difference to all those stressed-out people …….

Antonio: You are such a caring person!

Me:  Where exactly are we going to launch it?  You do know that all the department stores are closed, don't you? 

Take that, you halfwits!!

It was at that point that my kitchen door flew open. John ran in in his baggy, old underpants, carrying Marcus almost horizontally under his arm. "The postman! The bloody postman!" was all I could hear him saying, over the sound of Marcus's wailing. What in God's name had the postman done to Marcus? He seemed like such a nice bloke!

     John had obviously taken him to the kitchen sink as I could hear the clinking of washing up. Without thinking, I was out of my seat.

     

Olivia: Oh my God, Daisy!

Antonio: You go Daisy Duke!
Olivia: Oh my God!  Don't encourage her Antonio!

It was like one of those dreadful dreams where you realise that you probably should have put some clothes on to go to the post office. I let out a horrified shriek.  "Gotta go! Sorry!" I said, ducking under the table and grappling about for the button on the keyboard.

     John was sloshing Marcus's hands about under the taps. He glanced my way.  "What's with the knickers?"

     "Never mind that! What did the postman do to Marcus?"

     "He posted letters into the house!"

     "Have you called the police?"

     "Letters that he had touched, Daisy.  It's no joking matter! Marcus picked them up and was halfway up the stairs with my bank statement."

     "Well I told you to go paperless months ago!"

     "Daisy!"

     "Right! That's it!  I've had enough now!  I have been completely humiliated in front of my colleagues.  Oh my God!  What if they got a screenshot?  It'll be like that scene in Bridget Jones all over again!"

     "Is that all you care about? Marcus could have come into contact with all sorts!"

     "Well excuse me for caring that my arse has been flashed to all and sundry this morning!"
     "Come on Daisy.  We both know that you've done a lot worse than that on a night out!"
     "Don't you dare bring that up! I am mortified, John.  How am I supposed to face them in work? Not to mention my mental husband running around in even worse pants than mine. YOU have got to seriously calm down for all our sakes. Come on Marcus, let's go and finish the workout."

I think I got my message across, as John kept a low profile for the rest of the day.  He had a bit of a rant when the news about Boris testing positive came in, so I just walked out and sat in the garden for a bit with Cleo, who was intently scrolling through her social media business.  By the time I got in, he was cooking the scrawny little chicken thing.
     He ran me a bath in the evening and promised to make an effort to keep some perspective from now on.

Shame the kids let it slip that while I was having a soak, he'd sprayed the poor cat with disinfectant after he came in to settle for the night.  Still …….. with a bit of luck, he's settling into this Lockdown situation and we can all start afresh tomorrow😊