Olivia: Here she is, Antonio! Star of the small screen.
Antonio: (Clapping his hands like an imbecile) Bravo!
Me: Ok. Shut up now, you two. Let's get down to business. Some of us have got kids to homeschool, you know.
Antonio: Poor you.
Olivia: Yeaaah. What a drag for you, Daisy. Hey, is that John in the background?
Me: Yeah. He's just making a cup of tea. I've told him to HURRY UP so that I can fully concentrate on my work.
Olivia: Hi John! It's been waaay too long.
John: Hi Olivia! Hi Antonio! (Walking towards the laptop in his faded bloody Ed Sheeran t shirt and pyjama bottoms) How are you doing?
Olivia: I'm amaaazing. But what about you? You were sooo on trend in that Hawaiian shirt on the video.
Is she flirting with John?
John: Well you know me, Liv. I'm the closest thing to a style icon this family's got.
Olivia: Haaaa haaaa! You do make me laugh John! (twirling her hair around her fingers)
She bloody is!
Me: Got your tea now, babe? (glaring at him and clenching my jaw)
John: Bye both! Don't work too hard now, Daisy. Workaholic, this one! (with a wink to the screen)
Olivia: Hilaarious! Daisy a workaholic! Aaaah, bye John. Lovely to see you.
Antonio: Yes. Bye John.
Olivia: Soooo ….. onto our fabulous launch. How's it going with finding models, Antonio?
Antonio: Some of the agencies aren't being particularly co-operative, to be honest with you Olivia.
No shit!!
Olivia: Oh! Well, can you keep chasing please, Antonio? Have you tried Perfect Profiles?
Antonio: They said that they had some sort of duty of care to their models or something like that.
Olivia: Seriously? What about Bodies from Heaven?
Antonio: They didn't even pick up.
Olivia: God!
Antonio: But I'm in close contact with Mimi, the model who worked with us on the avocado oil hand-cream launch and I'm trying to persuade her.
Ffs!
Olivia: Hmm. Didn't she put on like two stone while she was recovering from her pole-dancing accident, Antonio? And the venue, Olivia? Where are we with that?
Me: Well, I've been all over it, Olivia. I've been calling around venues for the past week. Haven't stopped. I've been in touch with every single venue within a fifty mile radius. Spoken to everyone who's anyone in the field of …. of high-end hospitality.
Olivia: Well that sounds amaaazing, Daisy.
Antonio: Amaaaazing!
Me: But ….. to cut a long story short …… nothing's open.
Olivia: But we won't need a venue until the end of the month? You did tell them that? All this nonsense will be over by then.
Me: Of course I told them, but it's the same situation everywhere. Trust me Olivia, I have done everything within my power to get you …. I mean us, our launch.
That should do it!
Olivia: Ooh, what about the Royal Plaza Hotel? It would be perfect. So classy.
Antonio: That would be faaabulous! I love it there. Their mojitos!
Omfg!
Me: Like I said, closed and not taking bookings.
Olivia: The Beaumont?
Stay calm Daisy. Stay calm!
Me: Same.
Olivia: That's crazy! I can't believe that everywhere is closed!
Can't you? Really???
Olivia: Well, what would you suggest guys?
FFS!!!
Antonio: Ooh. It's a tricky one Olivia.
Me: Is it though? Is it really that complicated?
Olivia: It's going to be a challenge, but Daisy's right. It isn't that complicated. I think that if we all tried just a little bit harder …..
Aaaaaaaaaargh!
Me: What I meant was …… shouldn't we postpone or even cancel the stupid fucking thing?
Olivia: Daisy! What's gotten into you? Why are you being so negative?
Me: And why are you in denial, Olivia? This isn't me just throwing obstacles in your way to spoil your bloody launch, you know. There's a global crisis going on and you're acting like everything's normal. You have been for weeks. I've been waiting for the penny to drop with you, Olivia. I can't humour you any more. Just ..... get your head out of your own arse ….. please. Nobody gives two shits about our stupid serum, you know! I don't even get round to combing my hair some days. To be perfectly honest, I've been wearing the same bra since last Thursday.
Antonio: Ew!
Daisy: A huge proportion of women in this country are worried about losing their jobs and whether they're gonna have enough clothes with elasticated waistbands in their wardrobes when they come out of lockdown. The last thing on most sane women's minds is a little bottle of oil which costs the best part of forty quid! So do us all a favour and just FORGET THE FUCKING LAUNCH! Oh …… hello Victoria. When did you join us?
"Shit Daisy! So what did she say?" Karen asked.
"No idea. I didn't give her the chance. I excused myself ….. fast, by saying that the kids' breakfast was on fire. Well actually, I was in such a flap that I said the kids were on fire at first! Karen ….. stop bloody laughing!" I scolded her as quietly as I possibly could, due to the fact that I was hiding in the bedroom with my phone, a large packet of Doritos and a bottle of beer, while the kids and John ate lunch.
"Sorry …... sorry ….. no really, I am sorry," she said, gradually regaining control. "So what are you gonna do? Email Victoria to apologise? Call her direct? What does John think you should do?"
"Well …… I think it's best for all concerned if I go directly into denial and not log into my email or answer the phone to anyone from work. And to answer the other question ….. I haven't mentioned it to John yet. I don't need the grief from him on top of it all so …... I'll probably just wait for my P45 to arrive. You know, it'll serve as a conversation starter."😬
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