"Do we have to?" Cleo whined for the hundredth time this morning.
"Yes you bloody do! It's Easter Sunday. A day when families get together and this is the only way of doing it this year. Just join in for five minutes."
"But those kids are mental!"
I couldn't argue with that, and video conferences were difficult at the best of times, so it didn't bode well.
The screen of my laptop was split into three sections with what felt like quite a crowd of grinning, waving people, after having being around the same few humans for so long. The racket coming out of the speaker was an instant assault on my eardrums.
Mum: Hello children. Give us a wave! Hi Cleo.
Cleo: Hi.
Mum: Hello Marcus.
Marcus: Hello Grandma.
Mum: Hello Molly.
Molly: Hi Grandma.
Mum: Where's Sienna? Ah there she is. Hello Sienna.
Ffs! Does she have to go through every single one?
Sienna: Hi.
Mum: And there's Tom. Hello Tom.
Tom: Alright Grandma.
Mum: Hello Samuel:
Oh God! Take me now!
Mum: Say hello to Grandma, Samuel.
Sam: Bum willy bum bum.
Mum: Now there's no need to be silly Sam. Hello Freya.
Freya: Hellooooooooooooooooo!! (Voice rapidly growing in pitch until a few sheepdogs most likely came running from a nearby farm.)
Sam: Bum willy bum bum.
Mum: Ok that's enough, Sam. Tell him, Rosie.
Rosie: He's just excited, that's all Mum. He hasn't seen his cousins for ages, have you?
Sam: Bummy Mummy.
Tom: Shut up Sam! He's such a dick! (Storms off.)
Mum: Tom!
Rosie: You're just excited to see Molly and Marcus aren't you? They never come to visit us any more.
Wtf!
Me: Silly Auntie Rosie! We haven't been to see anyone, have we kids? Considering we've been in Lockdown.
Rosie: You were only telling Mummy the other day, weren't you Sam, that you wish they'd come over to play a bit more. Or even phone us sometimes.
Me: Even if there wasn't a global crisis and we could move around freely, Auntie Rosie and your cousins could drop in to see us, couldn't they? All of their legs work and they do have a car. Oh, and a phone.
Sam: Bum!
Rosie: Hmm. Why don't you show your cousins all your Easter eggs, Freya?
Freya: Looooooooooook!
Marcus: Oh my God! You've got loads! They've got loads, Mum.
I lent her fifty fucking quid last week!
Rosie: The Easter bunny came here. Did he come to you?
Sam: Easter bummy. Easter bummy.
Rosie: Perhaps you could show us your eggs, Marcus.
Uh oh!
Rosie: Oh! Um …..that's nice Marcus.
Freya: Ha ha! The most rubbish egg in the world!
Mum: That's enough. Tell her, Rosie.
Freya: Rubbish egg! Rubbish egg!
Rosie: Back off Mum. They're not doing any harm.
Molly: It's not fair!
Dad: Happy Easter everyone! (Raising a whiskey tumbler.)
Mum: Pour one for me Ron.
Cleo: Can I go now? It's been five minutes.
John: Me too.
Me: No John. Just get some alcohol.
John: Good idea. I could do with a beer.
Me: I meant for me! She's booked a forty minute session.
John: Consider the Merlot uncorked!
Anyway, one thing led to another and we both ended up asleep in front of 'The Ten Commandments'. Our Easter meal was boil-in-the-bag curry ,which I didn't realise you could still purchase. Nice work John! We decided that we'd save the lamb for Bank Holiday Monday. The kids were happy enough as we let them do pretty much what the hell they wanted all afternoon, then we started a game of Monopoly. In hindsight, that was probably a bad move. Tears were shed, fake money and little plastic houses were thrown and not all of them by the children.
I was just enforcing an early night, which these days means anything before eleven, when my phone pinged.
Text from Mum:
That was nice today wasn't it darling? Let's do it again soon xx
"Yes you bloody do! It's Easter Sunday. A day when families get together and this is the only way of doing it this year. Just join in for five minutes."
"But those kids are mental!"
I couldn't argue with that, and video conferences were difficult at the best of times, so it didn't bode well.
The screen of my laptop was split into three sections with what felt like quite a crowd of grinning, waving people, after having being around the same few humans for so long. The racket coming out of the speaker was an instant assault on my eardrums.
Mum: Hello children. Give us a wave! Hi Cleo.
Cleo: Hi.
Mum: Hello Marcus.
Marcus: Hello Grandma.
Mum: Hello Molly.
Molly: Hi Grandma.
Mum: Where's Sienna? Ah there she is. Hello Sienna.
Ffs! Does she have to go through every single one?
Sienna: Hi.
Mum: And there's Tom. Hello Tom.
Tom: Alright Grandma.
Mum: Hello Samuel:
Oh God! Take me now!
Mum: Say hello to Grandma, Samuel.
Sam: Bum willy bum bum.
Mum: Now there's no need to be silly Sam. Hello Freya.
Freya: Hellooooooooooooooooo!! (Voice rapidly growing in pitch until a few sheepdogs most likely came running from a nearby farm.)
Sam: Bum willy bum bum.
Mum: Ok that's enough, Sam. Tell him, Rosie.
Rosie: He's just excited, that's all Mum. He hasn't seen his cousins for ages, have you?
Sam: Bummy Mummy.
Tom: Shut up Sam! He's such a dick! (Storms off.)
Mum: Tom!
Rosie: You're just excited to see Molly and Marcus aren't you? They never come to visit us any more.
Wtf!
Me: Silly Auntie Rosie! We haven't been to see anyone, have we kids? Considering we've been in Lockdown.
Rosie: You were only telling Mummy the other day, weren't you Sam, that you wish they'd come over to play a bit more. Or even phone us sometimes.
Me: Even if there wasn't a global crisis and we could move around freely, Auntie Rosie and your cousins could drop in to see us, couldn't they? All of their legs work and they do have a car. Oh, and a phone.
Sam: Bum!
Rosie: Hmm. Why don't you show your cousins all your Easter eggs, Freya?
Freya: Looooooooooook!
Marcus: Oh my God! You've got loads! They've got loads, Mum.
I lent her fifty fucking quid last week!
Rosie: The Easter bunny came here. Did he come to you?
Sam: Easter bummy. Easter bummy.
Rosie: Perhaps you could show us your eggs, Marcus.
Uh oh!
Rosie: Oh! Um …..that's nice Marcus.
Freya: Ha ha! The most rubbish egg in the world!
Mum: That's enough. Tell her, Rosie.
Freya: Rubbish egg! Rubbish egg!
Rosie: Back off Mum. They're not doing any harm.
Molly: It's not fair!
Dad: Happy Easter everyone! (Raising a whiskey tumbler.)
Mum: Pour one for me Ron.
Cleo: Can I go now? It's been five minutes.
John: Me too.
Me: No John. Just get some alcohol.
John: Good idea. I could do with a beer.
Me: I meant for me! She's booked a forty minute session.
John: Consider the Merlot uncorked!
Anyway, one thing led to another and we both ended up asleep in front of 'The Ten Commandments'. Our Easter meal was boil-in-the-bag curry ,which I didn't realise you could still purchase. Nice work John! We decided that we'd save the lamb for Bank Holiday Monday. The kids were happy enough as we let them do pretty much what the hell they wanted all afternoon, then we started a game of Monopoly. In hindsight, that was probably a bad move. Tears were shed, fake money and little plastic houses were thrown and not all of them by the children.
I was just enforcing an early night, which these days means anything before eleven, when my phone pinged.
Text from Mum:
That was nice today wasn't it darling? Let's do it again soon xx
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